Every traveller knows the feeling.
‘But look at me, I’ve changed godammit! My whole world has changed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!’
You don’t say it out loud, of course.
Instead, you take another sip of your flat beer. A beer served to you not in a beach bar somewhere, but by a bored bartender who spilt half of it in the drip tray and whose attention you got only when he looked up from the ‘gram.
Probably looking at the same beach photos of Thailand where you were only two days earlier.
The conversation with your friends soon drifts off. Heads disappear back into phones and the attention soon turns to some obscure football game on the screens behind the bar.
You succumb to the inevitable conclusion.
You give up. What other choice do you have? You go back to the conversations you had a year ago.
Who won the game last night? How is work going? Just the generic conversations you have every other day. You remind yourself to pay attention. These people are your world, right? Been there through thick and thin, some of them anyway.
But your mind quickly drifts elsewhere and you think to yourself.
‘What the f*&k am I doing here?’
Sound familiar?
Of course it does. Any traveller who returns home, feels a different person for the experience and notices nothing has changed can relate in some context.
You go through some eye-opening, transformative experiences when you travel.
Some experiences you appreciate at the time and have the ‘oh wow’ moment then and there. Others are slow-burners – experiences you appreciate more over time.
One week ago, you might have been beach hopping around Bali on a scooter drinking Bintangs and watching the sunset over the ocean, or you might have been hiking among the giants of the Himalayas in Nepal as you trekked the 160km to Everest Base Camp.
These periods of your life can feel like a dream.
But you come home and it feels like a letdown. No one seems to care that one of the most transformational things you have ever done matters for, well, what feels like nothing. From people, you care about and love.
It hurts.
Hate to burst your bubble of pain, but it’s not their fault.
Here are four reasons to consider why no one cares about your travels when you come home.
Why Should They Care?
Suck it up buttercup.
The short answer is – they don’t have to.
They weren’t there. They have their own crap going on. Crap called life.
Many friends and family will care, but by the time you get to the second or third photo (or story, if you’re lucky) they will drift away. It’s not because they don’t care. They just don’t understand – it wasn’t their personal experience.
People can only invest their attention in their own personal experiences for any length of time.
They did not taste those spicy bratwursts, dipped in mustard in Munich, or the view you enjoyed of the Matterhorn from the Jungfrau in Switzerland.
It’s like reading a book to them. No matter how good a storyteller you are, bedtime stories send us to sleep, remember?
Your friends and family do care, just don’t expect them to have the same enthusiasm for your adventures.
Don’t forget their lives went on while you were gone..
They May Be Envious, or Jealous
‘Lucky for some isn’t it.’
You might disappear for months on end and find the lack of chat when you come home almost hostile. Off-hand comments like ‘We had a good summer, too’ or dismissive talk like ‘I’ve heard Bali is better than Thailand’ often turn up.
It’s hard to hear.
Your people could be jealous. Stuck in the grind. Maybe, what you have done is at odds with their values. Or maybe it is 100% in agreement with their own and they haven’t been courageous enough to do something about it, so they take out their frustration on you.
You never know what is going on in people’s lives.
Even your closest and dearest friends and family will not open up to you like at the end of a soppy romcom about everything going on.
Never feel bad about sharing your stories – your stories can potentially change someone’s life.
Just be considerate and read the cues.
You Talk Too Much
I’m sorry, but you talk too much sometimes. We all do.
At every opportunity, I will tell my people about the Christmas Markets in Berlin or standing in the Colosseum in Pompeii pretending to be Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Only sometimes will I confess how my other half reminded me I was in the wrong Colosseum, but that’s another story.
The temptation to talk about your travels is so powerful.
It comes from emotion. That’s why I write these words online, you tell your stories or we read the anguished, carefully written words of our favourite authors.
Emotion counts for little if you weren’t there. Your urge to talk about these moments comes from the emotions you felt. We want our people to feel the same buzz we did. Just for a moment.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But let’s flip the table.
How did you feel at your mate’s wedding last year? How did you feel when another mate returned from his own holiday and told you about the woman he met, fell in love with and separated from in the space of a week?
Massive moments for them, but only fleeting for you.
Your friends and family are probably aware of the experience you have had. They have Insta and Facebook too. They will be proud of you.
Just don’t ram it down their throats.
Travel is a Personal Experience
You return home after a long flight, jet-lagged and hints of your farewell hangover still lingering in the back of your skull.
Immediately, in a booming voice with your sun-bleached hair and freshly tattooed arms on show, you declare to anyone worth listening:
‘I’m moving to Australia!’
You anticipate the fanfare and celebrations of this new you, this newly independent soul who has travelled the world and ‘found him/herself’.
Instead, it’s crickets. Click, click. The room breaks into an uncomfortable silence.
‘That’s nice, love, the weather is nice there I hear’’ Your 80-year-old Nana says as she kisses you on the cheek.
‘Oh, don’t be silly, when will we see you?’ Your concerned Mum might whisper in your ear.
I quote David Foster Wallace here when he says:
“You’ll stop caring what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do”
People care about their sports team, their children, their job, their career. What you care about might be at odds with this. Your decision to travel the world could be the opposite of what they would do with their lives.
That’s ok.
Your life-changing experience might only be worth thirty seconds of small talk to them. It doesn’t make them care for you any less.
You won’t be able to sway their opinions to any significant degree, so don’t hit your head up against the brick wall and leave them to it.
You do you.
A Solution. Sort of.
There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated.
All you want is for your friends and family to have the smallest insight into the life-changing experience you have just undergone.
The reality is – it is impossible.
They weren’t there. Even if they were, their experience might be completely different. You know the long three-day trek in the Swiss Alps that you loved so much? They might have hated every rocky step.
The key is to do a Frozen and ‘let it gooooo!’.
Let go of the expectation that people care as much about your travels as you would like them to.
In saying that, it is important to continue to share your stories.
You will have some wonderful conversations out of these. Not only from friends and family now, but in the future too. You will probably meet someone at some point who has had a similar experience to you. You can lose hours in those incredible conversations.
Just don’t put any expectations on those who were at home the whole time to be as enthusiastic as you.
Life will go on for them as it will you. Focus on making the most of yours.
Your memories are what counts.
I had my fair share with this “experience” and I agree with you that sometimes different factors such as they are envious, or you talk too much about the trip can be a reason for the disinterest. There is only so many times one can hear about “that one time when you were out and about”, however, I can also argue that this is the same when they want to discuss their life (aka spouses or kids). I do disagree with your first point tho.
Why should they care? Because they claim to be your family and friends. People who (claim to) love you and care for you. What’s important to you and you care about should be acknowledged. If not, I would seriously doubt my relationships. It’s a clear indicator that there is no interest in me as a person. Unfortunately I got a lot of hate when I announced I would go travelling for a year. None of my friends wished me a safe trip but they all watched my IG stories. My parents didn’t ask me a single question when I got back. I didn’t expect a red carpet but I had saved for ten years for this trip and I thought some interest in me was there but obvs not. So I have been quiet about my trip or the disappointment that came with it when I had to cancel it due to Covid.
Carolin | Solo Travel Story
I loved this post – it so perfectly pictures my current thoughts! My partner and I are currently backpacking Southeast Asia after backpacking South America prior to that. We quit out jobs, sold everything we had and moved in with his parents, completely stripping back our lives and are coming out on the other side of our travels like brand new people. We have yet to return to ‘normal life’ back in the UK but I am already experiencing the things you’ve spoken about here. I really don’t mind that other people don’t understand (I don’t expect them to!), I just find it hard to care about certain things back home now having seen and done the things I have. It’s very easy to focus on and sweat the small stuff until you’ve seen how people in other parts of the world live and what they endure. My life and how I perceive things will never be the same. I see it as a huge blessing and privilege.
Hey Lica, thanks so much for the comment. Really glad you enjoyed it. So much more to unpack with it, but the theme seems to have resonated with a few people. What an incredible journey you are on. We all decide our own paths, as long as we live true to ourselves we will never be disappointed (despite what others think!) I love the look of your blog, I’ll check it out!
Safe travels,
Marc
Well said. One of the reasons I started my travel blog 7 years ago. So I can share my travels with like minded people🙂
Thanks Tanja! Glad you enjoyed it. It’s a topic that has almost been a bit taboo with travellers over the years. I’ll check out your blog, I’ve been lucky enough to live in London for a few years but Croatia is at the top of my list so look forward to checking out your articles.
cheers
Marc
“Your life-changing experience might only be worth thirty seconds of small talk to them. It doesn’t make them care for you any less.” 👍
Fantastic post. I can totally relate and I’ve also been on the other end of this. I hope you continue to enjoy your travels!
Thanks for reading, Kevin!
I’ve never really figured out how to deal with the type of conversations I talk about in the article. Just a case of reading the room better now 🙂
cheers
Marc
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